All this past week I’ve been waiting eagerly for my first morning off work to sit down and write another diary entry! I have my turmeric chai matcha latte (oat milk, with a small dollop of honey) and the sun is shining warmly through my crackled-glass windows, adding some cheer to this cool winter’s morning.

I nearly bought a train carriage at six o’clock this morning.

It belongs to my dad, but he has no need for it anymore. My parents honeymooned here in the 80s and bought a bush block to live on while they were at it. They went about travelling, and when they finally settled there a decade later, they bought an old Queensland Rail sleeper carriage for us all to live in – Mum, Dad, myself, and my younger sister.

They eventually built a ‘proper’ house, but we kept the carriage and as children we used it for sleepovers. It was our own space, and I always imagined that when I was older, I would come to own it, move it onto my own block, and have my own little home for my own little family. It also functioned as fantastic guest housing, and our extended family and other occasional guests would stay there when they came to visit.

I’m realising as I write this that I kind of need to write in order to process it. I’m feeling quite mournful about it. At first I thought, ‘this is a fun bit of trivia to write about,’ but as I’m putting my thoughts to (virtual) paper, it’s bringing up a few emotions. Dad mentioned years ago that he planned to sell it, and I knew I would struggle with sentimentality when that day came.

I bought my own property a few years ago, with space for a granny flat-type arrangement (which I intended to leverage for extra income), and was already looking into what sort of dwelling I might buy. When I scrolled Marketplace last night before bed and saw that he’d already listed it for sale, a perfect storm of serendipity and sentimentality ensued.

It needs fairly extensive repairs, but otherwise it fitted my needs quite well, and I immediately became worked up about the idea of losing it. I struggled to get to sleep, only to wake up at 3am (genuinely, I checked the time) and spend the next hour dwelling on whether I could make it work as a granny flat and panicking that he’d already promised it to someone.

I hadn’t done quite all the research I needed to and wasn’t completely ready to go ahead with the project, but nevertheless, I fully intended to buy it.

As it turns out, Dad was opposed to the idea. Not the entire idea, but there would be a lot of barriers and other costs involved in carrying out my plan and he wanted to save me a lot of work and money.

I already knew I would need to excavate, lay footings, and install a retaining wall – directly over a sewer line, just to complicate things. I knew, too, that the carriage itself needs a lot of work, although there’s even more work to do than I thought – which I’m not afraid of, by the way – but it would take me a while, and having it sit empty for so long is just asking for squatters to move in, or for youths to light it on fire or vandalise it. I even knew that, being over 20m from my main house, I’d need a full development application rather than being able to rely on the granny flat clause.

Something I hadn’t considered, however, was the major cost to get electricity to it. I’d need to upgrade the cable going to my house and potentially pay to have a transformer added to the pole out the front, on top of having the carriage itself connected to the network. I’d have to get approval for a new driveway down the bottom of my block, as well (I have a road to the front and the rear of my property), which is very unlikely to be approved.

There’s plenty else too, I’m sure.

But besides all that, the most important point is that I need to prioritise. I’m starting this diary, and building it into a business, and I do already have a house to renovate. If I take on millions of projects at once, I’ll start everything and finish nothing. So, one thing at a time. I need to learn to let some things go. I will end up doing it all, but just not all at once.

(My best friend just called – yes, the one who moved to America – and I told her the news. She spent almost as much time as I did in that train carriage, and she sympathised with me. But we spent two and a half hours on a video chat, catching up on other things, so I can’t be too upset.)

Anyway, my life will feel like a mess until my own house is renovated and taking on other projects would be unwise.

Cleaning efforts don’t really have the same effect when you’re vacuuming wooden floors with 4mm gaps between the boards (which are also covered in paint spots from the last owners), or when every tile in the bathroom is cracked because they were laid (poorly) by the previous home renovator, or when the laminate kitchen cupboards are split and chipped from decades of use and exposure to moisture.

Finding the motivation to clean can be hard when you can barely see the difference.

On top of that, I’ve never felt there’s any point in styling all my rooms until they’re renovated, because I’ll just have to move everything and do it all over again after the renovation.

So, since I bought it, my house hasn’t really felt like home. It’s not a relaxing space. It’s not aesthetically pleasing and no matter which room I’m in, I’m surrounded by reminders of all the work I have to do.

The time has come to do the work, so I’ve arranged to go bath shopping with my sister and her fiance tomorrow. It’ll be a lot more fun to have the company and I can get their thoughts and feedback, too.

I’d love to have a bath, but in my own standard fashion, not just any bath will do, and I’ve been struggling to find one that I’m happy with and that suits my needs. So far I’ve only looked online and I can’t commit. It’s been holding me back from renovating my bathroom because I can’t get started without having all the materials on hand, and the size of the bath will dictate a lot of other requirements within the bathroom. I think going into a showroom in person will help me make a decision.

Wish me luck!

P.S. This entry has been hard to write. It’s taken me a big chunk of the day and I’ve gone through and reworded it about a hundred times. I haven’t liked how it’s read today, but I think I just have to keep practicing.

Yours in truth and transparency,